I had an abortion. I don’t WANT to be strong anymore!
It’s day 12, since my abortion, and everything seems to be getting worse.
I’m sick of staying strong for PT because he’s going through an immensely tough time.
I’m sick of pretending to be perky and chipper and happy all day at work.
I’m sick of pretending that I care about my friends’ break-ups and daily dramas.
I’m sick of staying strong for my parents because they’re going through rough financial times.
I’m sick of pretending that nothing’s wrong, when all I want to do is collapse on the floor and sob and sob and sob.
Confession: I had an abortion. Spare me the rhetoric.
I was reading a pro-life piece that claimed that women have abortions because a baby would be “inconvenient.”
My first thought: Did I read that right? Are they joking?
Let me paint this picture for ALL pro-lifers who choose to pass judgement on those of us who have had to make this awful choice.
I am 20 years old, I have about $2,000 in savings and two semesters of my college education finished (I’m currently working full-time so I can afford to go back to school). I’m in a committed monogamous relationship. I’m also moving to Texas (from New England) when I would have been 7.5 months pregnant. In case you weren’t aware, you can’t find an adoptive family in New England, then have a baby in Texas and somehow transport it to New England again.
And in case you didn’t know, people don’t hire 7.5-months-pregnant-women. It just doesn’t happen.
I didn’t have a choice. Neither do most other women who get an abortion.
As I walked into the clinic some witchy old woman stood 2 inches from my face and screamed that I was a whore, a slut, and a killer.
Does she — and do any of YOU, who would pass judgement on me – think that I (and every woman in my shoes!) did not spend weeks in total agony, trying to come to a decision? Do you think that we don’t mourn for weeks, months, and sometimes even years afterwards? Do you think that we don’t deeply regret our “choice?” Do you think that ANY human being (that’s what we are, in case you forgot) could feel that child growing in her womb, and shrug it off callously and say, “Well, I’ll just have an abortion and that will be the end of it?”
I am here to tell you as clearly as I can, that: THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN.
And until you have been in my shoes, save the rhetoric, save the judgements (do you not READ the Bible? Judge not lest ye be judged?) and go on your merry way — and more importantly, let me go mine in whatever peace I can find.
Top 10 Signs that You’re Pregnant
10. Two weeks ago you were a C; suddenly you’re a DD.
9. You read a story in the newspaper about an animal being injured or abandoned and you find yourself sobbing.
8. You would kill someone for just one stick of string cheese (or a pickle, or chocolate, or ice cream, or chicken…etc).
7. You got a haircut a week ago and you already need another one. Your nails also need to be filed or trimmed roughly every 48 hours.
6. You can smell pasta sauce from 50 yards away, with several doors separating you.
5. You can’t remember the last time you weren’t nauseous – and if anyone utters the phrase “morning sickness,” you get a sudden urge to throw something heavy at them.
4. You avoid drinking during working hours at all costs, because you know if you drink half a cup of water you’ll go to the bathroom approximately 22 times…and have to stop on the way home.
3. You sleep 12 hours per night, and take an additional 3-hour nap.
2. You legitimately need a backrub every morning, afternoon and night – even if your boyfriend/fiance/husband doesn’t necessarily agree.
1. Your ankles are approximately the size of grapefruits.
(Yes folks, I’m pregnant.)
Reignite romance: Weekend getaways
There comes a point in every relationship – yes, even the perfect relationship – when things need to be spiced up occasionally.
And so, this weekend, PT kidnapped me, blindfolded me in a car for over 3 hours, and drove me to my childhood hometown.
I’m not sure if it had more to do with the fact that we were in fresh surroundings, or that we got to stay in a beautiful hotel, or that I got to reminisce with him, or that I got to physically show him my past, or that we were completely alone with no distractions for a full 48 hours, but today, now that we’re back, we’re better – and closer – than ever.
Weekend getaways are usually inexpensive, too, making them a great option during this struggling economy. They are also, however, quite personal and unique to each couple, so I can’t presume to advise you, dear readers, on any exact locations. But here are some suggestions.
1. A trip down memory lane. Take your significant other to one of your childhood hometowns or ex-haunts. Go to your partner’s favorite attractions.
2. Roadtrip. Take a roadtrip to an attraction 2 or more hours away and explore together.
3. R&R. Go to a luxury hotel nearby and just relax and spend some quality cuddling time together.
4. Theme park trip. Drive to your nearest theme park and escape back into childhood – ride the rollercoasters, play the carnival-style games. Guys, win your girl a stuffed animal! 
5. Camping trip. Grab a tent, a couple of sleeping bags and some chocolate, marshmallows and graham crackers and get back to nature.
Trust and relationships
Trust can either make or break a relationship.
Right now, I’m terrified that it could break mine.
I lied to PT about something so small, so trivial, so insignificant, so STUPID – there was no reason to lie about it. He lied about it too, then came clean 2 weeks after we started dating — I should have done the same. But I didn’t. And then, inevitably, the truth came out last night.
He was shocked. It’s so unlike me. He knows me as a person who doesn’t lie, who doesn’t ever do anything to hurt anyone else. His image of me was of milk and honey, of pure sugar, which is who I usually am. Except in this ONE small instance. I can only imagine that this shattered his trust in me; shattered the very image he has of me.
We talked about it; I cried; he had tears in his eyes. When he arrived back at his place, he texted me a simple, “Hey (Name), I got home. Hope you’re sleeping well.” No, “I love you;” nothing. I texted him back with those three magic words and got them in return, and up to three hours ago we were talking regularly today, but there’s been something missing. He’s pulled back a little bit; he’s not as warm and overwhelmingly affectionate.
My heart is breaking.
There’s a heavy feeling in my chest, a dull aching pain, and a feeling of tears perpetually behind my eyelids. I, normally the eternal optimist, have taken on a pessimistic outlook. I notice everything that could indicate a change in our relationship.
It’s so odd to be on this side of the coin – the “offender’s” side, so to speak. I’ve never been caught in a lie by a significant other before, and let me tell you, it’s as heart-wrenching as being the one who is lied to.
Moral of the story, folks? Don’t lie. Ever. Even about little stuff.
True love makes us selfless
As I type this, my boyfriend (PT) is about 60 miles away, lying in bed with a sore throat, unrelenting cough, migraine and streaming nose. And me? I’ve just gotten a phone call offering me my dream job.
But I can’t focus on my own happiness; not for more than a second or two, at least; all I can think about is this ache in my chest to drive to him unannounced and wrap my arms around him and force-feed him soup.
And now, suddenly, I realize: I have become entirely selfless. I am not thinking, It’d be great to go over and make him feel better because he’ll appreciate me for it; he’ll fall more in love with me - I just, simply, want to make him feel better.
It makes me feel entirely powerless, but honestly – I like it.
Creative ways to express your love
Sometimes repeating “I love you” over and over just isn’t enough to express how deeply you care for your significant other. For times like those, here’s a list of creative, simple and cheap ways you can express your love!
- Notes. While your significant other is in the shower, making dinner, in the bathroom, etc., hide notes around his/her bedroom or apartment. There are LOTS of options here; you can hide a series of notes with all the reasons you love them or you can write a short, sweet love letter and hide it. If you’re artistic, perhaps you can leave cartoons or pictures. The possibilities are endless.
- Picture texts. This is great for long-distance couples, or for couples who are temporarily separated. Take a picture of yourself and text it to your S.O. when they least expect it. Alternatively, take a picture of yourself holding a sign (for example, PT sent a picture of himself holding a “Feel better soon!” sign when he was on vacation and I had a bad flu), or take a picture of something that reminds you of your S.O. and send it to them.
- Love letters. Every once in a while, sit down with pen and paper and write a love letter to your S.O. Send it in the mail (real mail, not e-mail!) and don’t mark it with a return address; that way it will be a surprise.
- Flowers. Send flowers randomly, for no reason at all. Try http://teleflora.com
- Voicemail. Leave your love a sweet voicemail when you know s/he can’t pick up.
- Video text. Along the same lines as #2, take a phone-video of yourself when you and your sweetie are apart, and send it to him/her.
- E-Cards. Send your loved one e-Cards for no reason at all. Try http://123greetings.com/, http://www.hallmark.com, http://www.e-cards.com/ and http://www.egreetings.com.
- Use the eLoveCoupon creator to make some sweet OR sexy coupons! (http://www.romancestuck.com/custom/love-coupons/love-coupon-creator.htm)
- If you sleep over or your sweetheart falls asleep, write a short and sweet message on his/her hand or arm. Make sure you use washable ink, though!
- Send your significant other a list of the ABCs of why you love him/her. For example, “A – adorable, B – brave,” etc.
- Random phone calls. Simple but effective: call just to say hello. Better yet, make time for a 2-minute call during your lunch break. This communicates that you’re thinking of your special someone even while you’re at work.
- Random texts. If you and your sweetie don’t text all day, surprise him/her with a “good morning” text long before they wake up. Randomly text them loving messages. If you do text all day, interject a loving or cute message in a serious conversation.
- Little things. If you sleep over, or are living together, make the bed for your S.O. Fold his or her clothes. Do the dishes. Take out the trash. These things may go unremarked, but they certainly won’t go unnoticed.
- Quality time. It’s tempting to fall into a routine but make sure you’re constantly continuing to leanr about each other. Talk about your goals, dreams, and ideas. Debate politics or current sporting events. Read a book together. Take up a new hobby together. Teach each other something new.
What if I’m pregnant?
I have officially missed my first period.
In all my years of sexual activity, this has never happened to me – until this week, that is. I mean, I’m not even sure if this qualifies as a missed period; it’s only a week late, and I think I’m spotting. That means it’s coming, right?
And if I am pregnant, what then?
I’m 20. I can’t have a baby. I have to go back to college; I have to get my feet under me, financially speaking. I have to buy a house. My boyfriend is leaving for Basic Military Training in five months. For the love of God, horror movies still keep me up at night and make me obsessively check every window at night. I am NOT qualified to raise a child.
But I don’t think I could have an abortion.
I don’t know what to think about abortion in general. I’m not sure if it’s murder, or if fetuses can feel, or if they’re just cells. I have no idea. But there are a few things I do know. I know that if I am pregnant, and if I do have an abortion, I’m going to think about it every day for the rest of my life. I know that every time I see a child that would be about the same age, I’d think, “My almost-baby might have looked like that.” I know I’d always wonder if it was a sin; if I could have done anything better to prevent it (yes, folks, I’m on birth control, and have been using multiple forms, as a matter of fact).
Adoption will have many of the same consequences, but less of the guilt. Of course, it could have a huge effect on my ability to work and support myself (God knows that my Catholic parents will no longer support me), but isn’t that a sacrifice worth making?
More updates later, dear readers; I’ll be taking a pregnancy test (!!!) within a day or two.
*******UPDATE*******
I cannot describe the emotions involved as I slowly drove to Stop & Shop in sweatpants and a Patriots tee-shirt, not even bothering with make-up, wandered through the “feminine needs” aisle, and purchased four pregnancy tests, avoiding eye contact with the cashier (with whom I’d gone to high school. Of course).
I paced around my living room for hours, randomly checking to see if any bleeding had started, drinking my weight in water to continue to flush the system. I started to feel nauseous and sweaty; I couldn’t think straight. I still hadn’t told PT, and I have no doubt that he was wondering if I’d fallen off the face of the earth – I couldn’t bear to answer my phone.
Finally I opened the first test. It looked so sterile and almost cheerful; childish. I read the directions, just as much of a perfectionist as ever, and finally I squatted above it: the universal awkward position of unwilling pregnancy-testers everywhere.
The next ten minutes were the longest of my life. I stared the cheerful little stick down; I had to know at the first moment. I couldn’t think straight; I drove myself crazy as a mark began to gradually appear.
Negative.
I breathed a sigh of relief, then caught it: false negatives are possible, apparently especially with women on the pill. That’s why I had purchased four tests.
I repeated the agonizing ritual three more times, to the same conclusion: I am still childless, folks. But at least this experience has forced me to more deeply consider what I would do if the unthinkable ever did happen.
I advise you all to do the same.
What it means to be in a military relationship
Over the course of a long separation for a deployment, basic training, AIT, or FTX, a service member’s significant other will go through many emotions.
At first, you will feel a physical or nearly physical pain from sheer loneliness and your dread of the unknown. You will walk around aimlessly, trying to wrap your mind around the concept that this is the first hour and there are infinitely more to come before you will see your loved one again. You will start trying to think of ways to keep yourself busy, but you will feel hopeless about it: you simply can’t stop thinking about your service member.
And honestly I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
A voice crying loud, I’ve been crying for days now
And as I start to run I stop to breathe
And I was nearly scared to death
That’s why you left in paragraphs
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags
As time goes on, the intensity of the pain decreases gradually. It becomes less acute and more of a dull ache that you can slowly begin to live with and work around. At this point, friends and family members start saying unbearably stupid things. “I know exactly how you feel, when my fiancee was on his business trip I didn’t hear from him for a week!” “Are you worried that he’ll die?”
You start carrying your cell phone with you everywhere: to the bathroom; next to the shower door on the floor; you leave it on maximum volume at night. You never know when that long-awaited call may come. You dread waking up to see “1 missed call” on your screen. You wonder if your significant other’s feelings will have changed by the time they return. You can’t watch the news anymore; it turns you into a nervous wreck. War movies turn you into a tearful, quivering mess.
And I’ll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof
That there’s sunsets and silhouette dreams
While my sandcastles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every wave drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question,
“Is everyone here make believe?” And with a tear in His voice
He says “Son, that’s the question.”
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me
Days never seem to go by any faster but they march steadily on; perhaps by now you’ve received a few phone calls and agonize over the details of each one. You hope you sounded strong, loyal, proud, brave, unaffected. You analyze his every word because that’s all you have: a handful of words exchanged over a staticky connection.
As hours move to minutes, and minutes take longer to break
I will be desperately awaiting when my tongue won’t fall apart
And we’ve been sitting here for hours all alone and in the dark
So let me think of how to word it
Is it too soon to say perfect?
If I could find another 30 minutes somewhere
I’m sure everything would find me
All that’s left is just to sing
(Repeat chorus)
The time of your loved one’s return is approaching and yet you can’t find it in you to prepare. After so much worry and loneliness, it’s hard to allow yourself to be happy and excited. You won’t believe he’s coming back until the plane lands and you see him walking toward you in his ABUs – but no, you cannot allow yourself to think of it, your heart will skip a beat and surely break all over again.
If you sing to me sweetly til then
I may never sail Virginia again
And though these currents move slow for me, this much you must know:
We’ll meet again
And I will have you know I’m scared to death
Tell me once again that you love me to the death
And should I die you swear that you will comfort me
As I fade away, you reach out your arm
And please don’t let me go
And please don’t let me go
(Repeat chorus)
Your loved one is back: safe, healthy, and overjoyed to see you. But you’re less naively enchanted this time – you know this joy is temporary, and you know he will be called away again.
